Finding solace on a long life quest

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Solace, by John Ives

Six years ago, when I started this blog, I was searching in all directions to find an answer to a question that was tormenting me night and day: “what should I do with my life?”

I have heard many times (and undoubtedly you have too) that: It’s not what you do but how you show up to it; It’s not what you do but why you do it.

Well, you know what? This has really not helped me.

And suddenly, after all these years of wandering and exploration, I got it: I WAS ASKING THE WRONG QUESTION. The point is not what I do with my life. The point really is WHO I AM!

Simple? Stupid simple?

Oh dear! I can’t imagine how much dissatisfaction (to sometimes heightened levels of anger and hatred for myself and my life, including collaterals for those who populated my life – apologies here) I have been dealing with.

You may know that human mind likes to categorize, put things into boxes. Well, I hate that. I would do anything not to be put in a box. Except that being somewhat human I suppose, my mind still works this way. So I have been running in circles insanely activating myself in all kinds of directions.

Here are just a few BOXES I considered, some of which I followed: journalist, coach, marketer, innovation  manager, finance manager, artist, writer, yoga teacher, shaman, event manager, operations manager, designer, inventor, workshop leader, speaker, psychologist, sociologist, chemist, herbalist, homeopath, naturopath, chief of staff, teacher, strategist, ghost writer, spiritual teacher, healer….. Ideally, I would do it all in this lifetime and more.

 But really, what a relief to realize that I just needed to be at peace with who I am and who I want to become. I just needed to realize that I am a soul on a journey and goodness gracious I am still alive and expanding!

So who am I?

I am a complex, sophisticated, multi-layered, mega curious and creative person. I get bored very quickly. I am a person of contradictions; I strive in paradox. I am an intellectual intuitive who carries a humongous power to shake things along with an equally humongous critical mind. I create my own rules and yet I abide to laws (when they make sense). I care about the whole and not so much about the individual. I am touched by the suffering of mankind – not so much the one we cause to each other but rather the one we all share in our essence: the forgetting of our wholeness and yet our deep knowing that we belong to the great vessel of love and that within us, lies the power to continuously heal. I long for oneness. I struggle with competition and I love emulation. I want to protect the innocence of our children and the jewels they carry in their unspoilt hearts. I want to be special and I have created enough awareness of myself to spot this tendency. I get to know my ego better and better each day and I know that I soon will stop being governed by it. I see the roles I play and how I get caught into their scripts. I laugh at my own personalities. I fear not to have what it takes to achieve my dreams and I know that it’s just a trap of the ego mind. Another paradox. I love myself and the more I do, the more peaceful I become and the more I love you.

My deepest dream is that one day, when I will ask Who am I? I will answer: I am You. I am. That day, I will have accomplished my task.

 

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